friendships and myers briggs tests

The executive director made us take the myers briggs test again for another meeting about our strengths. This is something like the 8th or 9th 3 hour meeting that's focused on the same topic. I liked it the first time.

Anyways, there was one line that was interesting in this analysis that I didn't catch last time:

"Face-to-face relationships are intense, personable and warm, though they may be so infrequently achieved that intimate friendships are rare."

I have a lot of people that I love, and even more than I like - and even MORE that I'm entertained by or admire. But there really have been remarkable few people that I feel have broken past the barriers to "intimate friendship." Even fewer when you take my family out of the mix. I can think of two "best friends" that I've had in my life - Tiffani and Marina. Tiffani was especially intense, since she lived so close (Marina has always been 3 hours or more away from me). I don't think I've ever had a friend quite like Tiffani - she got to a level of friendship with me that I feel almost unable to give to anyone else. I'd love to, trust me, but it just doesn't *work* - I can't force it, and I don't know how it came about to begin with. I remember the moment it happened, too. Our dog had escaped and T and I went on a walk through the neighborhood trying to find her. It was a magical walk. Then I moved to WI for a boy, and got more and more distant, and then when I came back I started CSULB and just stopped talking to her. It hurt her - and I didn't realize what I had done until much later. Now it feels like it keeps hurting me - not sharp-pain hurting, but a constant feeling that I had something that I am unable to get again. She hasn't spoken to me for years. I sent her a few apology emails, and once I got a one-line acknowledgement, but other than that - nothing. She got married to a man I'd never met. I'm getting married to a man she's never met. I had this friend and then I killed it.

I feel broken, sometimes. Inept. I like people, I like them a lot - I just have this wall when it comes to making lifelong friends. So it was kind of nice to read that sentence - that it's not that I'm broken, it's part of my personality trait. Ho hum.


okay so I felt glum for a while then went on my flickr account and looked at adorable photos of Juno when she was just a few months old. All better now.

slumpy dumps and snowy photos

I've been in a weird and funky place the last week or two. Nothing horrific, just, not my usual motivated self. I've lapsed into laziness. I started drinking caffeine like a fiend. I haven't taken the dog out or gone to the gym. I do one load of dishes a day and nothing feels clean.

Yesterday I bought paintings for the house and have buyers remorse. I have vague guilty remorseful feelings on the fringe of everything I do, and I can't pinpoint them. I think my overachieving tendencies are warring with my love of leisure and recreation, and this is an uncomfortable place to be in. I discovered a new series that I love to sit around and watch marathon-style, but when I'm doing that, I'm sure as hell not at the gym or walking Juno. I vacuumed yesterday. That was my big success. But I only vacuumed because I spilled garbanzo beans and parsley all over the floor.

Le sigh. I'm not terribly down in the dumps, mood-wise, just not up and pumped like I usually am. This last weekend I had all these great big project plans and did NOTHING. I stayed up til 5am drinking caffeine and eating junk while watching tv on saturday, then slept til 11on sunday and didn't do anything.

The one big accomplishment of the weekend was actually BUYING a wedding cake!!!! We have it done son! Almond cake with an almond/chocolate ganache and buttercream frosting. Soooo delicious. We met with a photographer as well. Very professional, looks great - also super expensive. I started messing around with invitations, but lacked inspiration.

Anyways - I have some great photos from our June Lake trip to post, I started tracking food again this morning, and today I will stop at the gym ON MY WAY HOME FROM WORK. I will trust in that making me feel so productive that the feeling will just continue on.










June Lake was snowy, obviously. It was Juno's first time in the snow and she loved it. We spent HOURS and HOURS chasing snowballs.

seeds started and some dog photos

sunday morning rain is falling

Today was a Good Day. I woke up early and took Juno to Adam's dad's house (he will now be referred to as "Louis" since that's his name, and now you know who I mean when I say "Louis") for a training session! She has some very worrying aggressive tendencies towards other dogs, and Louis is beyond words phenomenal with dogs. All animals, really, but his whole life has revolved around dogs - he's Captain of animal control or something or other for LA. Anyways, I got there around 7:30am, worked with him and Juno for about 1.5 hours, got home and had a good morning with Adam, ate a healthy breakfast, then went over to hang out with my mom, dad, and Rosie. Made a sandwich, showed off my new shawl... pleasant times.

Got home and reorganized my home-office area. Moved a few things around to take advantage of the wall space, hung a cork-board and stuck a few photo booth photos on it. I am now sitting in dappled sunlight listening to Lady Antebellum while Chris and David blow up bad guys on the computer behind me.

Still on my list of to-dos is to take Juno for a walk/run, feed the dogs, do a bunch of laundry, a load of dishes, and take photos of my finished projects for ravelry.

Good, pleasant day.

Purple shawl

This is the shawl I was talking about in the last entry. I'm not too thrilled about the colors in these photos - doesn't show up the richness of the yarn, but oh well. My co-worker, Rosie, is the model in some of them, and I am in the other ones. The one where I am holding it and you can see my face - she was playing with a feature of the camera where it will grab just one color and the rest will be in black and white. Pretty nifty.
I did another two sections of my new orange shawl last night, more photos of that to come too. I'd like to take pictures of all the projects I have laying around my house - if for no other reason than I'd like to update my ravelry.com projects page with them so there aren't those ugly blank image squares.







Yesterday I took the Juno-dog on a pretty long walk with my dad. She did so much better than she ever has with me before. I'm encouraged, and I feel, finally, like a good pet owner. Adam fell asleep watching Rome in the living room last night, and sometime during the night I woke up to find that Juno had climbed into bed with me, where she stayed til I left for work this morning.

I joined the Freedom Gardner's networking site today - made me excited to start seeds with my dad. I'm very excited about the time change and having daylight when I get home from work. My next step is to finish the fence with Adam so that I can have a garden that remains dog-free. Juno discovered a taste for zucchini last year - I'd go out back and find just a little stump where there used to be a whole vegetable.

clusters of crocus...silver and gold...

Today I am feeling like I am wasting my time a little bit being here at work. There are so many other things I'd like to be doing -

I want to sit and watch my bulbs grow. Yes, I do. I want to sit in the front yard, on the cement that's always covered in dusty dogprints and watch the hyacinth and freesia grow. Every morning when I pull the stuck and stubborn front door open, and trip down the three steps in my high heels to get to the car, it's like a whole new thing. They are growing so fast. I want to watch them.

I want to clean the fridge and chop vegetables for soups and stews and crockpot concoctions.

I want to hang out with my dog, for hours and hours. I want to use that weird red rubber brush that gets all the top hairs, and brush her for an hour, so I can let her romp all over the house and climb up on the couch and watch American Idol with me while I knit socks and cat-hats. Juno grew up lately - her legs got longer, and she looks more dog like and not so puppy like. She's got the most energy I've ever seen in an animal. I've been working on the concept of fetch - rather than the concept of grab-and-destroy, which she is familiar with already - and each one of these stupid dark days I leave too early and get home and it's cold and dark and I want SUMMER and now I am just whining. Whoops.

Yesterday I got a pedicure with my future sister-in-law, hate the color, but it was really fun to sit there and relax and just talk and talk. To be honest, I was a little nervous to hang out with her without a buffer, afraid we'd run out of conversation, but I shouldn't have worried. She is nice, and I can be sometimes too.

She loaned me her snake-thing for clogged drains, and Chris spent a while last night fixing our shower. It was such a pleasure to take one this morning, all clean and nice, instead of gross. He also fixed the short in the bathroom light switch! Now we just have to re-hang the door on the hinges, and the bathroom will actually be functional again.

We're holding a superbowl party at our house on Sunday, so the three of us have a cleaning date for Saturday. I miss Adam like crazy. It'll be nice to do housestuff with him. I feel like I haven't seen him in a week.

I bought new shoes last night, and now I need an occasion to wear them to, and an outfit to wear them with. Silly shoes. I love them.

gratitude and my life

I love days when I feel recharged by work, as opposed to drained by it. I wasn't terribly thrilled to get up out of bed at 6:30am this morning - Adam's been having some deep-coughing issues for the last few days, and his coughing and wheezing woke me up on a pretty regular basis last night. I have a new phone, and the unfamiliar alarm sound was jarring. But I did it, I got up out of the house only 15 minutes after I'd intended - and still made it to work 15 minutes early. I had time to DO things before my morning meeting, and at the meeting I created an actually manageable to-do-list, rather than an overwhelming list of vague wants and desires.

The reason I am recharged is because of the Walk for Independence - this has been both the most frustrating project AND the most rewarding for me. We had some issues getting up off the ground - all stemming to my vision being distinctly different than the executive director's vision. I felt like I wasn't being trusted to run a good event - and she felt like I was letting what was important to HER slide through the cracks. But now that we've got some stuff decided, we have momentum, and we actually have people registering, both of us have relaxed and can just enjoy the show.

I am personally gratified that my pleas to my friends on facebook have come through in such an amazing way. I wanted to raise $260 - because I couldn't quite get all of the food donated, and I felt bad about that. $260 covered the cost - I asked them to donate even if they could only donate $1.00 - and some people did just that. I received several $1.00 bills in the mail - which actually DOES provide an entire lunch to someone, and is a very helpful contribution. On the other end of the spectrum, in the last hour, I received 2 $100.00 donations. I've received everything in between, and have basked in the funny little notes and well-wishes that have also been included.

We have 59 people registered now, with many more people saying that they are *going* to register, so I am feeling better about that too. I was afraid it would just be us at the park...but it looks like we will have some company. :)

Because of this walk, too, we even got an elevator donated to our building. We still have to raise $100,000 to install the thing, but the elevator could have cost us as much as $75,000 - and it was DONATED. All because of the walk.

I've been interviewed by newspapers, we're in the AAA magazine, we have an inter-departmental competition here, we made a fantastic video of our clients, we've harnesses the amazing support of PI staff, clients, board members, family, friends and strangers... I'm inspired. Really and truly inspired today.


In other news - yesterday was a good day too. I went to a Bridal Expo with my sisters and cousin...it was intense, and made me really glad that I am not planning a wedding like that. I am glad to have had the experience, though. We got bored wit it after a couple of hours, so headed to the MAC store at South Coast Plaza, where we did makeup trial runs for my wedding! My cousin in law has a discount there, so I got to purchase a bunch of stuff and not break my budget. She's going to be doing my makeup for the wedding, too, so I won't have to pay a makeup artist.

After that we stopped by my aunt's for a goodbye dinner for a friend of the family's - played Pop5, the BEST PARTY GAME EVER, and then I went home and did a 10 minute sparkpeople video for day 1 of my new bootcamp. I realized at the last minute that I needed to cook chicken, and all I can say is - God Bless the Crockpot. I threw in chicken with some broth, a few carrots, half an onion, a bunch of mushrooms, some garlic, and a cup of dried lentils..and this morning had stew ready to take for lunch. After I did that, I fed dogs, crocheted most of a hat, wrote in my journal, and fell asleep watching The Office once Adam came home.

Today at 4:50 I will put on my gym clothes and head to the Brookhurst gym, where I will do 20 minutes on the exercise bike, and 42 minutes of walk/jog combo (5 walk, 5 run, 2 walk, 5 run, 2 walk, 5 run, 2 walk, 5 run, 2 walk, 4 run, 5 walk). Then I'm going to go to Walmart to use my gift certificate to buy a stability ball, go home, do my 10 min. bootcamp video, take Juno for a walk, make lunches, spend 10 minutes working on my camp-to-be, write in my journal, pack for santa fe, and take my bag/spinning wheel/rosie's yarn over to my parents.

Tuesday, work and working out, Wednesday work, Thursday work til noon, then Santa Fe til sunday! When I get back I need to remember to call Adam's dad for some Juno training sessions.

I am very tired. I am looking forward to habit getting me to the gym, and the gym waking me up. I need to increase my liquid intake over the next few hours, and head for fruit if I get snacky. Luckily, I brought a bunch of oranges, grapes, and an apple with me.


my backyard lemon tree, the inspiration for my wedding!

marriage and xmas and stuff

It's been so cold here lately, I've been finding myself just *tired* and worn out from it. Craving somewhere warm. I want sunshine that toasts and bakes and gets down to my boooonnees. Our bathroom door doesn't close all the way, so showers are chilly. the next free day Adam and I both have I need to remember to get him to help me fix it.

My ring is still sparkly, and I want to get back into the wedding-planning rush, but everyone is consumed with finals and Christmas. I supppppose I can wait until after xmas, when I will go buy tons of twinkle lights and gold ribbon, and start collecting. I will feel calmer when we have a date set.

I have been exercising a lot this week - feels good. Yesterday was the 4th day in a row. I went online and found a Sprint Triathlon training schedule, and am following that. So every day I do a minimum of 20 minutes of varying amounts of swimming, running, and biking. To meet my goal of 600 fitness minutes this month, I am also adding in random 10 minutes on the elliptical here and there. Today I am going to do 16 minutes of running, 11 minutes of elliptical, and then my interval-walking, which will equal about 16 minutes also. This bumps me up to 45 minutes which gets me 2 activity points for weight watchers instead of just 1 if I left it at 44. ;o)

Defrosting ground beef, tonight I'll make taco salad. Made enchiladas two ways this week. Trying to get better at normal-everyday cooking, rather than huge-production meals like I usually do. Also trying to make a whole week's worth of meals using the same flavor-profile so I can use the same ingredients.... so I don't buy a bunch of cilantro, use it once, and waste it, for example.

Juno is my favorite thing on this planet right now. She is so freaking beautiful that I can just stare at her for hours. I gave her a very thorough bath last week and now she is all clean and fluffy and soft and fantastic. Adam's been working super late this week, and falls asleep on the couch so he doesn't wake me up, and so Juno's been jumping up into bed with me. She's been so good - hasn't destroyed anything for weeks! She sure seems like she's growing up all of a sudden. Man I love that dog.

Adam's job is going really well, though it feels like I haven't seen him in weeks. He's right at the point where he is both getting off probation and getting qualified to be on his own at the park. It's an exciting week for him.

I bought all of my Christmas presents online this year - SUCH a good idea. I love not having to go shopping. I'm excited about them too, and I'm just waiting for this to start arriving so I can start the wrapping! Adam has to work this Christmas, so we are doing our thing Christmas Eve, and will see if his aunt is available for breakfast that morning. I'm going to at least stop by his aunt's house on Christmas, because we didn't go to Thanksgiving since he had to work, and now that we're engaged, I feel different now...I can go to his family's celebration in my own right, not just attached to him. I am really enjoying these subtle little changes in my role as we plan on getting married.

home home home

Sitting in my robe at 10am listening to Patty Griffith and Allison Kraus on pandora, drinking cold english breakfast tea that I took from the resort in florida out of the "candy cane" striped ceramic cup that I made. My feet are cold, I am congested, watching my puppy pick up the sprinkler attachment and shake it in her teeth outside. I picked the first tangerine from our satsuma tree this morning while I was on the phone telling my boss I couldn't come in today, and I am waiting for Adam to wake up so we can share it.

Read all of Sandra's and Heidi's posts that I missed while I was gone, wondering what I am going to make for breakfast, wanting to go around and clean and knit and go for walks wearing scarves and the earrings I bought from the food court in Orlando, thinking about how I am content to sit here and listen to music and do not much else while I know Adam is in the other room, even though he is sleeping, but as soon as he leaves for work I will be feeling restless and sitting still will not be enough for me.

Yesterday we talked and talked about where we want to live, the children we will have, the lives we want to lead, unschooling and family. I feel buoyant today, despite the cough and cold. The robe I am wearing is incredibly soft, pink, bulky - his Aunt gave it to me for Christmas last year. I bought Adam's sister and my sisters the same souvenir n the Bahamas and that is important to me, somehow. Talking about giving Juno a last name, he suggested his - the name his dad uses for all of his shepherds. Thinking about the fantastic combination of families, if, when...

Gained 5 pounds over this vacation. Remembering that I have the tools to fix that, quickly. Getting back to my planning, my preparation. I have laundry in the garage to move along, and today I will cook the onion and fennel with white wine, under red pepper chicken, orange and green lentils, and broccoli. The Patty Griffith song that just came on is called "Florida" - good timing. I have bulbs to plant and green beans to string up. Rommel is laying in a stripe of sunshine in the backyard between the two citrus trees occasionally snapping at flies that are interrupting his nap.

I love my house, my home, Adam, the dogs, the fish, the ceramic dishes, the trees, the music, the gifts, the blogs, the yarn, the cleaning, the feeding. I am looking forward to a slow day with more Eva Cassidy playing, going from room to room and *touching* everything.

getting ready to leave for florida/bahamas!

My tooth infection was drained the last time I went to the dentist, and temporarily filled. The temporary filling proved just that, and has been missing for a few days now. I can't stop playing with it, making little sucking noises on the the hollowed-out-tooth. I am sure everyone around me is tremendously grateful, but every *once* in a while, it hurts in a weird hollow-achy-echoing sort of way, and so I keep messing with it...not that I want to hurt, but I have to keep testing it. Stupid intermittent reinforcement.

Anyways, I decided not to even call the dentist until I get back from my trip, because it's bearable now. I just don't eat on that side. My trip! My trip! I am leaving bright and early early early on Saturday morning! My mom is dropping me off at the office at 6:30am, where I commence Being In Charge of 40 people - 32 of whom have developmental disabilities. We fly to Orlando, stay at the Caribbean Beach Resort, go to Disney's Magic Kingdom for 5 days, then board a cruise ship and head out to the islands of Nassau and Castaway Cay - where I will be swimming with dolphins, para-sailing, and peering through glass bottom boats. We fly back on November 8th.

I am not quite comprehending that we are leaving the day after tomorrow. I'm still a little dazed. All organized - mostly - but disbelieving.

Today's so-strong-it-almost-knocked-me-over realization was how much I was going to miss Adam and my puppy dog. I had a fantastic morning with Adam today - it's nice when he doesn't have to work super early AND he wakes up while I'm still home. Last night I stayed up past my bedtime watching the movie Defiance - Adam begggged to put it on, and then fell asleep before the plot twisted even a little bit. It is not the type of movie I would normally choose for myself - I have a hard time watching anything emotional - rather, I have a hard time *choosing* to watch anything that makes me feel beyond light and fluffy. I am emotional enough - when I watch movies, I want to relax, not cry. However - I am usually *glad* when I watch emotionally-deep movies, because, let's face it, they're better quality than Dude, Where's My car? So anyways - I stayed up really, really late watching a lot of Jewish people die horrific deaths.

Anyways. Adam. Juno. My beautiful beautiful puppy dog and my amazing amazing man. Many mornings when I wake up, Adam and Juno are both still sleeping - Juno usually wakes up but doesn't move much - just follows me with brown eyes while I'm getting ready. Adam looks so good in our green sheets and blankets - secretly one of the reasons I picked out that color. I have a very hard time leaving the dogs and boy in the morning - when it's cold out and there is this wonderful October sunshine and I just want to stay in bed, one hand petting Juno, watching Adam's freakishly long eyelashes.

Too mushy for you? Sorry. I am all mush today. I am currently impressed with his ability and desire to always *improve* himself. The two of us being who we are butt heads in certain areas pretty damn frequently, but all the upset is worth it when I tell him something is important to me and I can SEE the work and effort he has put into understanding my needs more. It's an amazing feeling. I am feeling so lucky.

He won't be home when I get home tonight - so I am going to stop at the gym first with Tulip - I am going to walk for 5 minutes on the treadmill, run for 12, walk for 5 more, then do 38 minutes on the bike. That will cover what I was supposed to do yesterday, and what I am supposed to do today, with a few minutes extra to count towards my goal of 500 fitness minutes this month. I currently am at 365 minutes....so add up that, and I will need to do 75 minutes tomorrow to hit my goal!!!!

After the gym, I'll go home and put two butternut squash in the oven, and cook the lentils I bought today - I splurged on red AND green lentils, just to make a prettier plate. I have tracked my food fantastically well for the last week - and hope the scale will show it tomorrow at my weight watchers meeting. Even if it doesn't - because I seem to have a 1 week lag reaction time - I'll feel good about knowing I did it for a whole week. I plan on continuing it on my trip - I will be taking ww oatmeal and a bunch of fruit and other food with me to avoid crap.

I also want to take Juno for a walk tonight, and continue the packing process. I miss Adam already. My pirate costume is fantastic. Yay thriftstores.

I think that is all for now. I am all sorts of mixed feelings right now!

time for fall to get here for real!

I've been reading things my friends have been writing all over the US about how it feels like fall, autumn is finally here, etc. I am suffering seasonal jealousy! The mornings are foggier and cooler, and it's not hot at night now, but that's about it. It's still pretty darn warm during the day. I am knitting scarves and hats like crazy, hoping to inspire the weather to change for me!!!

When the weather changes, I go into apple-mode, for lack of a better phrase. I want to go out in gloves and sweaters and pick apples, and then I want to bake things with apples, and have everything smell like apples and cinnamon. It gets tied into other things too - I want to quilt, and crochet blankets, and write in a handbound journal, and make my own gifts, and decorate and nest, nest, nest.

But there's something phony about that feeling when I can go outside in flipflops and it's appropriate footwear.

During the fall, I want to be midwestern. Or from Idylwild. Either one. :)

I want to sit inside while it's cold outside, plan my spring garden, knit warm things for people I love, bake bread, and make my home as warm as possible.

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This weekend was fantastic. I can't for the life of me remember what I did on Saturday, but Sunday we had friends over that we hadn't seen for about 3 years. Football started at 10am, so I woke up early and did some housework, and then they came bearing breakfast burritos. We watched the game - well, they watched the game, I crocheted. I've been crocheting baby sweaters like crazy. Found a free pattern on ravelry that takes me about 2 hours from start to finish, and I love it. I figure I can start stockpiling now, so when I am ready to have kids, they'll have a whole wardrobe! So I crocheted while Adam, Chris, David, Joe and Tina watched the game. J and T left, and Steve came over around lunch time. I heated up the pea soup I'd made from scratch, and made grilled cheese sandwiches for everybody. I had Top Chef flashes as I plated more than 1 meal. It made me giggle the whole time. I love feeding people. I played some bejeweled, then got out the box of bisque I have had in the closet for a YEAR. I dug out an underglaze pencil and went to town on my "Possible Life Series" cups which I'd posted on here about a year ago. We went and got food from Katella Deli at some point, played Beatles Rock Band in between the football games, I gave Juno a bath and spent some quality time playing with my puppy, I got out some fabric and started sewing a skirt, and then watched Dexter, Entourage, and Californication with the guys.

Good, good, good, good, good, good day.

I am living off of the glow from that day, hoping it carries me through the whole work week. Yesterday was a full day of work, meetings, presentations, and an A2A event. I got home around 11pm, and worked on my painting assignment for a little while, then fell asleep watching Adventureland with Adam. This morning we woke up early enough for a little quality time, and here I am at work again. I am taking a brief break from closing spreadsheets, refunding client's money, and putting together a press packet for the Walk for Independence. Tonight I have painting class - I am unclear about what we were supposed to have DONE for the assignment, and what we're going to be working on in class, so that makes me a little nervous, but oh well.

The objects I've picked out so far are a bunch of different ceramics, different skeins of yarn, and a cowboy hat. I am having hard time with the first painting, becuase he doesn't want us to create depth, and I HATE forcing myself not to make the image more interesting. But I bought big canvas board yesterday, and I'm really excited to do something larger than 8 x 11!!!

Tomorrow I work, and then my dad and I have a date to do Couch to 5k. Thursday I work and have painting, and Friday I work and then I'm going down to UCI to have dinner/exercise/tv show watching with Roxana.

And then it's the weekend. Wonderful, wonderful weekend.