Thursday, January 22, 2009

I feel a little more optimistic this afternoon - mostly because looking ahead, tonight I have so much stuff to do I won't have time to think! I am realizing that my levels of mess-tolerance have gone down a LOT since I started really trying to maintain the house. I have several small messes and they are hovering in the back of my head all the time! must clean coffee table, sweep bathroom, clean kitchen counters, clear off dresser...

I think I want to bake things and bring them to my dry cleaners. The girl who is always there has this cute little shy smile and when she inputs my phone number she types really really hard with one finger and she's about half as tall as me and when I go in begging her to have a shirt done the same day she makes it happen. I want to bake things and bring them to work too, but everyone here is trying to eat healthy so that will take more thought. I think baking things and giving them is what makes a person good. I want to be good.

This morning, like the morning before, and like tomorrow morning, Emily and I met at the gym to work out. I believe I now weigh less than I ever have. It's a good feeling. I coordinated a healthy-lunch potluck at work last week, and tomorrow we are going walking on Friday up on the river trail on our lunch break. I like being that sort of catalyst.

I am strong and driven and enthusiastic and organized.
I need to employ all of these things between the hours of 10pm and 7am in addition to my optimal-working hours. I can't give in to weakness. Failure is simply not an option.

I need to work harder, do more, think less, be nicer, be generous, think about other people, volunteer, clean up, be nurturing, bite my tongue, grow up, chill out, sleep more, and be better. I can do it. I know I can. I have to I have to I have to.

I wish the doctor would call me back. I have more questions.


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