Wednesday, December 17, 2008

ceramics studio memories, again

you know what's strange? I don't know quite how to write about this, either. I am not one for believing in angels, or any kind of tangible "life after death" I don't believe in ghosts, nothing like that - and I know it's just because I've been thinking about it, but Danner feels so crazy *close* the last few days. I've been obsessing over my ceramics more, and he is very tied up in that for me. The more I think about him and ceramics, the less time seems to have passed between the last time I saw him. Ducky and I have been talking a little bit because of it, and Rebecca and I keep in touch via etsy - I will probably see Char at Jon's funeral, and Janelle will be there - so ceramic people are suddenly *present* in my life the way they haven't been in five years.

I wonder if T ever reads this. She's the one I should have hung on to with all my claws.

I wonder where Fil is, and Morissey, Jeremy..all these people who were SUCH an important part of my life that are just gone now. You know, they are the ones I wish could be at my wedding, for instance - they mattered so much to me for so long. I love the people I work with, but I've only known them a year, so they haven't formed that crazy connection yet. And ceramics was special. Char made it something special. I hope I am not the only one who feels that way.

I remember at closing circle at Not Back to School Camp, Eira said something once that if any of us ever had grandchildren who needed a couch to sleep on, they were welcome at her house, JUST because we had been at NBTSC together. The island trip had something of that same bonded feeling. Just because you had an experience - even if you weren't at the same session or there the same year - you share something special. Ceramics GOT TO ME in that deep down soul altering way, and I don't know how else to commemorate it except keep throwing clay and writing about it on here.

I have to keep remembering how young I was - I started when I was 13 and Char retired when I was 18. That was also the year Grandma died. I lost a lot that year. The five years preceding it made me me. I had pink hair and silver glitter converse and Jeremy introduced me to Tom Waits at the same time that Daniel was making me the same CD's. Char played Bob Dylan while Jon and I raku'd and Les got me the job at Laguna Clay where I met Paul and everyone, and I was surrounded on all sides by clay. I didn't have to do the final because I was the only one to get the other test 100% and Rebecca made me that great Guitar plate (which is hanging in my room) and Mike Lewis introduced me to Nina Simone and Santa Monica, and Mike Duckworth cackled in the background of all of it.

I need to stop this now or it floods. Anyways - Danner, he feels like I just saw him the other day, and ceramics is still as engrained in me as ever.


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